Saturday, August 9, 2014

Abdicating the Throne

I was sorting through some of my home leave vacation photos this morning and came across this beauty.

Not Your Typical Vacation Photo

Why toilets?  Well, I'll tell you.  First, if you are the least bit offended by potty humor, potty pictures, potty stories or potty behavior, I beg you, click over to Facebook or check your email now.  We can catch up another time.  After all, you've only seen one toilet picture.  Be forewarned, a toilet rant is fast approaching.

Let me go back, for just a moment.  Less than a year before we moved, we remodeled our master bathroom into one of my favorite spaces in the house.  Yes, I still look at the pictures even though we no longer own it.

My Happy Space
While apartment hunting in Vienna, if the place had 2 bathrooms, or at least 2 toilets or WCs (as they are called here) it made the cut.  Our current apartment has 2 WCs.  However, toilets in Europe are different.  They just are.  If you've visited Europe, you know about the interior "shelf".  I despise the shelf.  Books need a shelf.  Toilets do not.  You also know that there is no "swirl".  US has the swirl, Europe has the "whoosh".

Back to our toilets.  The main bath toilet looks fine, even with the dreaded shelf and a plastic tank.  Fine that is, until you flush.  Then, with the sound of a fighter jet at take off,  a vertical geyser erupts and sprays toilet water and whatnot across the room.  No one is interested in what the not is.

The lid must be closed to flush.  Even with the lid closed, I truly believe there is a horizontal projection system at work.  Oh, and we have a 10 year old boy.  Who forgets.  To close.  The lid.

Whoa Nelly, She's Gonna Blow
Then there is WC number 2.  Pun intended, since the toilet and sink (where you can only wash one hand at a time) are shoe horned into a space the size of a broom closet.  When you sit on this toilet, your knees hang out into the hallway.  Short people, celebrate your size!  I offer this demonstration for illustrative purposes only.

Um, Don't Mind Me

There Will Be No "I Got a Meetin' in the Ladies Room" Here

After living like this for a year, I had the brilliant idea of replacing the main bathroom toilet with something a little less "Old Faithful".  We (because I sold dear husband on the idea) even volunteered to purchase the toilet when pitching the idea to the landlord.  We both thought this would be easy, until we received the quotes.  No wonder our landlord was so happy to accept our offer.  Did you know that you are charged for individual pieces of a toilet here?  Yep.  Each and every stinking piece has a price.  Even when you go to the "big box" home store, there are multiple aisles devoted to various and sundry toilet pieces.  No box from Kohler and a couple of hours with the plumber.

Quote #1

Imagine my excitement when the first quote arrived.  When I opened the email attachment, I nearly spewed my coffee in solidarity with my commode.

Your New Toilet Will Cost $2389.00 USD, When Can We Start Work?

Yes indeed, the quote for our new toilet was over 2000 dollars.  This is a serious quote.  I am not making this up.  In case this was a cruel joke, we asked for a second quote from a different supplier.  They came back a scant 200 dollars cheaper.  Probably because the toilet would be installed without a key part, like a lid.  Or a handle.  For now my quest for a new toilet for the kingdom is on hold.

Now, I am the first one to admit this is my first world problem.  No doubt about it.  At the end of the day, however, my home is my castle and I'm still looking for a new throne.


  1. Now that we are back in the states I see two words that induce glee....American Standard.

    1. Ah, the royal flush! What I would give for one of those American Standard beauties. Hope you're loving the rediscovery of all things USA!